My broken Valentine

Nuka chuckled softly, letting the tiny rumble in his throat keep Zukkiza aware he was still there. He lifted his paw and placed it around her. He squeezed her tightly as if she was going to run away. As if this was all a dream and she would be gone when he opened his eyes. His mind did snap to a fantasy. The two of them nuzzling in the beauty of the oasis. Zukki’s cubs rolling and playing with Nia and Kuzimu. There was another cub there too…a male…a male with Zukki’s eyes and face and his black mane tuft.

Why was this so far-fetched? Why, when she kissed him, did she say it was so terribly wrong? Was it?

“I’m sorry,” he whispered softly into her ear before taking a soft nip at it with his teeth, “I didn’t mean to. I just…” He licked her ear at that moment. It wasn’t even that he wanted…that. He just wanted to be close to her. To feel her breath. Zukkiza. Zukki. Who never thought anything of his stupidity. Who didn’t blame him like Dotty did…

“Don’t go then…” Another whisper. Another nip to her ear.

His purrs soother her, calmed the lioness's worries momentarily. The nipping at her ears incited a series of soft purrs of her own. Soft lovebites were familiar to her; a warm gesture of affection. It felt just like... just like that time in Nottingam so many moons ago. Same sensation, same emotions, different lions. He was sorry, he said. He didn't mean to, he said. But that didn't change anything! It just made things harder. She didn't want to go, she didn't want to leave him again. The warmth of his tongue against her torn ear had her purring all over again, louder this time around. Why did Nuka have to be like that?! Everything he did made it harder for her to say no, to go back to what she knew was best for her cubs.

"Nuka." She spoke softly, as if she was breaking her own heart just by saying his name. The words brushed her tip of her tongue; Okay. Alright, I'll stay. We'll figure it out. It's gonna be okay. She could almost taste the joy those words would bring the both of them, but she bit them back. She had escaped the pit. She had gotten lucky. She would not get lucky twice in a row. The lioness squeezed her eyes shut and pressed her face closer to Nuka's neck; "I can't." The words pysically hurt her; maybe having come back had indeed been a mistake.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have." She whispered, anrgy at herself for giving in to temptation. She was just going to hurt the both of them. She already was. "I'll come back, often as I can. I promise. But I can't stay. The cubs, they... I can't bring them here. I'm sorry." She didn't want him to be sad, or angry, or upset. Why was her life so full of bad choices?

Had she not mated with Chumvi that night, she wouldn't have cubs to worry about. She wouldn't still love the pridelander. She wouldn't feel guilt. She would've stayed. Even if it was just Chumvi, she could've stayed. He'd gone and laid with Chippy anyways; sure, he was trying to win Zukki back, but... he'd just been so absent sometimes. But her children, they were most precious to her. She had to go. For them.

"Come with me." She insisted, although her tone was already soft and hopeless, knowing what his answer would be.

He pouted in an almost childish manner.

"If it wasn't for...me being a total jinx...and the cubs I would," he offered, "But the girls...I mean who cares right? They're already in mother's clutches. Why should I..." He sighed. Zukki could probably feel his chest heave rather rapidly as he started talking faster and faster. "I want to go. I want to. I can't. Mother would hunt me down. She'd slit your throat and capture the cubs. The boys...your boys...NO!"

He gasped, releasing from Zukki's warm embrace and heading back to the cold air. "No. No no no no no no," he mumbled, "No I can't. I want you but I can't go...I mean...I want TO but..." Where was she going any way?

"You're safe though...right?" He muttered, turning back to her with wide, concerned eyes, "The outlands may not be much of a home...but at least it's safe...relatively..."

"You're not a jinx. Not to me." Zukki stated, not in an annoyed tone despite his constant self-degrading comments, but in a loving one, a tone that wasn't mean to make him change his mind right away or at all, it was just meant to sincerely point out she thought he was worth more than he thought he was. At the mention of his girls, Zukki would've told him to just bring them along, but she continued to let him speak.

And then he spoke of her own cubs and pulled away.

It tugged at her heartstrings harshly, to say the least. She gave Nuka a smile of endearment; he'd barely even seen her cubs, and even then he cared about their safety. "I can't say I can protect you from your mother. Not by myself. But I'm not by myself. If I asked Kula for help, she would help me protect you and your girls. I know she would." She stated, soft and calm, knowing she wouldn't change his mind regardless. Not today. But one day, she would, and he'd be safe. I want you, he said, and Zukki would've given anything to be able to stay; but she wasn't. She wanted him too, but she couldn't have him. And that fact pained the lioness deeply.

She tried to hide it, though, by keeping the conversation flowing. "Oh, we're safe, Nuka. We've been moving around a lot. Or well, we had been. I still move around, but I know the cubs are safer with Kula's pride." Zukki was still too nervous to settle back down, after all what had happened. Her children did not have to suffer through it, though. She did spend most of her time in the pridelands with them, but whenever her anxious paws had to carry her off, the Pridelands now offered her kids some safety.

As he spoke of the outlands, she frowned a little. Safe? For who? Not for Nuka, not for herself. Not for anyone. "As long as you don't throw yourself out on the battlefield, I guess I'll give you that one." She chuckled, looking at their surroundings for a second, then back at Nuka. "We could make it a home, if only I could stay." She stated, sighing softly at her own words. "I won't leave you here again, though. I'll sneak in as much as possible. That's a promise."

With the time of her departure growing nearer, Zukki felt that that had been necessary to say.

"Kula?"

His cousin...his cousin had come along with the rest of the lionesses. "No," he said firmly, "No, Kula hates me. I can't tell you why but she would NEVER let me anywhere near her and her pride again. Never ever again, Zukkiza." He used her full name. A sign he was being serious. Fur matted with sweat beneath his body. The shouting of his father as if he was being asked to work hard labor. The screams. He heard the small girl's screams. If he could apologize...well...either way Kula would never let him anywhere near her again.

His ears flicked back as he rubbed his paw over his face. He turned back to her, his eyes glowing in the dark. "I'm sorry," he murmured. Though he didn't tell her what for.

"As long as you're safe, that's all that matters," he blurted out, "All that...matters..." He bumped heads with her again, purring slightly like a contented house cat. Those brief moments of warmth were all he could hold onto in the darkness.

I know what you did.
I forgive you.
It's okay.
In time, they'll forgive you too.
Come home with me.

All that and more spun around the lioness's mind as Nuka spoke; but would anything she said make him listen and leave the outlands? There was one thing she knew might. But she wasn't gonna speak of it, not yet. Instead, she let his head bump against her, purring in unison with Nuka, nuzzling him softly. "If only I could say the same about you." She sighed, sad, hopeless, but she didn't pull from him. She wanted his touch to linger for as long as it could. Eventually, she pulled back.

It was time to go home.

Her face contorted into a grimace as she faced her companion, her newfound love, her broken valentine. "I have to go back." She stated, and her voice barely kept steady. The lioness was surprised it didn't crack. "I know you won't come with me. I know there's nothing I can do about it. And I know what Im about to offer you is selfish. But I'm desperate." Zukki confessed, taking a deep breath and gathering her thoughts before moving on.

"I can't bring Mauko back. I don't think anything in the world can. But if I were to... if I promised you a son, would you come with me?" Zukkiza let the words sink in, her expression serious, her eyes locked with Nuka's crimson ones. "You don't have to decide now. I'll come back, every day. And if one day you have an answer for me... I'll do whatever it takes, Nuka, for you to come home with me."

"I'm safe...if nobody cares about what happens to you...you're safe..."

It was true. His mother had forgotten him. His father had forgotten him. He was alone again. Honestly, that was the way he preferred it. He nuzzled her back, smiling softly as he pressed his large nose against her soft pink one. But as she separated from him he knew what was happening. It was time for her to leave. He knew it but he desperately didn't want her to go. He wanted her to stay with him forever. His head lowered, eyes closing as he listened to her talk. "But I'm desperate."

"You'd have to be," he smirked, "To kiss me..." His ears flicked back slightly as she continued.

"But if I were to... if I promised you a son, would you come with me?"

"Wha...what?" His ears raised, mouth dropping a bit as he stared towards the female, "Zukki...what are you asking me?" Was she offering to...bear him a son? His heart beat faster. He couldn't do that to her...she wasn't some vessel. Although he bit back the thoughts of treating Dotty like that a while back. Still something about having a child, a SON with a lioness he had feelings for...something about that made his heart pound faster and faster.

Oh, but she did care. Zukki cared about Nuka so very deeply, it tugged at her heart to see him trapped like this. She could still freshly remember how he defied his parents and stood tall as a king in Nottingham. And, beneath his battered, defeated looks, Zukki could still see the same very kingly core. She knew it was there. A shadow had been casted over him when his son had been ripped away, but Nuka was still himself. And Zukki knew he was still there, somewhere. She was gonna bring Nuka, the one she knew, the one she loved, back. And she was gonna make him happy again.

A smile tugged at her features when he spoke about how only someone desperate would kiss him, and her ears flattened bashfully. Oh no, she wasn't desperate for love. But love was unexpected, and it hit most people like a train. Zukkiza was no exception. She had unexpectedly fallen for Nuka; and, where it felt sudden, it had actually been building up for as long as she could remember. Every smile and laugh, every playful touch, all her comforting words, had lead to this. And Zukki wouldn't have changed a single thing.

Her smile dropped, however, at his next set of words. The lioness closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and was silent for a moment. "What... what I'm trying to say is..." She opened her eyes, straing right at Nuka in a moment of boldness again. "I can't bring Mauko back. But I can give you someone new to love and cherish. Not a replacement. Not a consolation prize. A new experience for you to revive what was taken from you, for us to share." Finally, she tore her eyes from him in favor of looking down at her paws instead.

"I'm saying... we could be a family, Nuka. You and I, your girls, my cubs. Ours, if you want. And a new child, one of your blood and mine. I'm offering you a family, a place to come home, if you'll only come with me, Nuka. Please."

“I’d love something new…” He lifted his paws and moved it over the air as if he was petting something. “Mauko was my everything, Zukki…he was…my son.” His ears folded back as a tear rolled down his muzzle. He sniffed back a tear, clutched his teeth in a grimace. What was it about Zukkiza that made him okay being himself and showing emotion? His ears folded back as he coughed back his sobs.

“I just wanna love someone…something…y’know? I want someone to love me…” Okay, Dotty loved him but he never returned the affection. He wanted someone like Zukki. If he closed his eyes he could imagine starting a pride with her and her cubs. Playing with the boys while Zukki taught daughters how to hunt. Grab a female or two to help Zukki hunt…have his own land.

How he wanted to have… “A family, a place to come home…” He blinked up at the female. “I want that…” He turned away, an aggressive growl on his maw as he stalked a few feet from her.

“But I don’t deserve it,” he snarled.

Her ears perked forward when Nuka said he did, indeed, want to start over from scratch. Well, that was a marvelous first step, if she did say so herself! She was hopeful, for a moment, that he'd come with her. "I know, Nuka. I wish I could change the past. I really do." She offered, bumping her head against his fluffy one in an act of solidarity. "It's okay to let it out." She offered, noticing Nuka try to stop himself from sobbing before licking a tear off his cheek. "It's alright." Zukki purred, comforting Nuka as best as she could.

"We could love each other." She suggested boldly, although the lioness's tone retained her sweet, soothing tone, "And we could love the kids. present and future." Zukki would not have expected to be thinking about kids again anytime soon; hers were still young, vilnerable. But she'd do anything to get Nuka out of his toxic surroundings. Besides, she would likely have had more cubs in the future anyways, right? What did it matter if she bumped the planned dates a few years earlier? It'd be better like that. Nuka's kid would have playmates, and she was sure Raha, Zahir and Khola would love the cub no less than they did one another.

Nuka's pulling away wasn't unexpected, but it was discouraging all the same. "I know you think that. But I know you do." She stated, smiling sadly at him. "You'll see in due time, I promise. But I have to go." She reminded him, getting up to close the spaces between them and rubbing her forehead against his shoulder gently. "I'll see you again. I promise. Don't go getting your tail in trouble, hm? Promise me." She purred out, knowing fully that this was likely goodbye, at least for a short period of time.

Zukkiza would've loved to stay longer, but she knew she'd given Nuka something to think about. She knew he was considering her offer, deep down. She had to let it sink in. And part of the process was to leave him behind to let her words sink in. She wasn't happy about it, oh no, but it had to be done.

She knew they'd meet each other again soon.

"Hnfft." He let out a weird little noise when she licked his face. He shuddered, sniffling before wiping his eye with the back of his paw. "I'm fine..."

He smiled softly, dipping his head. "I think I already do," he laughed under his breath, "I never felt this way about...about..." He didn't mention her name. He felt guilty. He licked a path up Zukkiza's skull. He smiled softly, ears flattening at his side. But then she had to leave. He'd be alone again. Alone without her. His tears welled up again but he pushed them down, not wanting to look like a brat.

"Come back...okay?" He did sound slightly silly and childish but he didn't care at that point. She'd offered him another life. A life away from his parents and their absolute insanity. A life with love and not guilt. A life with a lioness who appreciated him. Life with cubs who loved him. He could imagine it. Imagine his pride.

"I'll think about you..." He mumbled, "Every night. Until you come back." He smiled after her softly. Would she come back? Please...he thought softly, let her come back to me...and let her forgive me...

Zukki's heart beat harder in her chest, with such force she could've sworn she could hear it, when Nuka said he already did. He loved her. He felt something for her, something he couldn't bring himself to feel for Dotty. There was guilt within Zukki, of course. The lioness wasn't cold-blooded, and Dotty was a friend. But the feelings of accomplishment, of warmth, of affection, they all surpassed her almost senseless guilt completely. Zukki was pleased, and she let it show by purring out loud, the warmth in her heart making itself known through the gentle, content sound.

"I'll come back every single time I can. That's a promise." With the claw of her index toe extended, the lioness made a motion like she was crossing her heart. He said he'd think about her, and her ears flattened bashfully to her skull. She already thought about him. Since the day she'd left Nottingham, she had. He'd always been on her mind. It was barely possible that Zukki could think about Nuka anymore than she did. "Good." She purred, "Don't forget my pretty face, will you?" She joked with a chuckle, and, with that, bumped her head against his in farwell, before dragging her tongue across his cheek once more, over the very same path she'd traced when cleaning his tears.

She knew he wanted to cry, because she, too, did. But one of the two had to stay composed. And, for Nuka, Zukki would do anything.

"I love you. Be safe for our next meeting, will you?" She knew he would. Finally, the lioness pulled away, got to her paws, and turned around. The longer she stayed, the harder it would be to leave. It was hard enough as it was. Looking back one last time, she offered Nuka a sad smile, and, with that, she was off, back into the safety of the Pridelands.

She didn't dare look back, knowing that if she did, she wouldn't be able to leave Nuka alone again.

((OOC: And with that, I think we've wrapped the thread up! No more feels for our poor hearts, lmfao.))